Now, my mom is pretty freaking crazy. But that doesn’t mean she didn’t have some awfully clever things to say on occasion. I’ve adapted some of the wisdom and advice I collected from my mother over the years, so that others may benefit. Please enjoy.
1. Instant messenger is “Satanic.”
2. Don’t ever let the word “I’m depressed” escape your lips. If you do, you’ll never be approved for health insurance again, because you will be considered a suicide risk.
3. There is at least a 75% chance you will be flashed at some point in your life.
4. Don’t be naked in a room with a boy.
5. Even if you are married, blowjobs are not okay.
6. Eighteen? Not old enough for an R-rated movie yet. Check back in twenty years.
7. The only acceptable response to “wanna go out sometime?” is “no thank you, my daddy owns a shotgun.”
8. It’s okay to experience homosexual lust, but if you act on it, you sure as hell better not expect any rights or freedoms. If you appear as a couple in public, do not engage in any physical interaction that might imply you are more than just friends. If you do, then you deserve what’s coming to you.
9. I was at Woodstock, therefore, I am better than you.
10. If you attend public school, you are pretty much guaranteed to become hooked on drugs, pregnant, and be involved in a school shooting. It’s just statistics.
11. Staying late at work on a school night? Fine, but don’t come crying to me when you can’t function because you only got out of work twelve hours before you had class. I WARNED YOU.
12. If you spill or break something, or have had a fight with your husband, the best way to deal with it is to verbally abuse your daughter for the rest of the day. It’s cheaper than therapy!
13. It is acceptable to make fun of your husband’s mother having died when he was a boy. He should be over it by now, right?
14. Discovering that your daughter is secretly writing a story about a vampire should be treated with the same level of hysteria as finding out that she’s shooting heroin into her eyeballs. It is, after all, a slippery slope into withcraft and homeopathic medicine. Oh wait, homeopathic medicine is A-OK.
15. Do not, under any circumstances, admit defeat in an argument. It is logically impossible for your daughter to be right.