Things Most People Like That I Don’t

Shakespeare. Language and literature evolve and change, and every day we stand in worship at the Bard’s feet is another day Arthur Miller doesn’t get his due. Seriously, by now we’ve all learned that Shakespeare pretty much just reworked old poems and stories for the stage. Yes, some of them are cool and fun, but he doesn’t deserve credit for creating the theater. Someone else would have done it if he didn’t.

Seinfeld. It’s not funny. If it were actually what it purported to be, a show about “nothing,” it might be entertaining. But it is about something: it’s about fucking ridiculous people who get themselves into circumstances that should not happen to anyone with a functioning brain. Actually, this premise works pretty well for It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, so maybe it’s just that I hate the entire cast. Which I do, pretty much.

Olives. A lot of people across the country don’t like olives, but now that I live in a town that’s named after some place in Sicily, I am cursed to be surrounded by olives. I’ve spotted maybe four or five obviously Italian people since I moved here last spring, and I cannot believe that they, alone, require every grocery store to have an olive bar the size of an entire deli. It must be the mob. It must be.

‘80s Music. It’s in revival now, I think because kids who grew up with it are now adults and they control the universe. Someone needs to remind them all that ‘80s music is coke-fueled and sucks, no matter how much it reminds them of Mommy rocking them to sleep while they watched Pretty in Pink together. (Yes, there is some good ‘80s music. I actually enjoy being Rickrolled. But I don’t need to hear any more Duran Duran. Srsly.)

Texting. I get the appeal, sort of, but it’s really just another way to stay “wired in” as it were, you kids with your hula hoops and your Twitters. I guess texting somehow bridges the gap between calling and emailing; it’s a way to contact people immediately, but they can also easily ignore you. Personally, I call someone with urgent matters and email all the rest. So far, no need to spend 10 cents on a mutated text message that takes ten minutes to wrangle onto the screen.

Grand Theft Auto. Hey, I like games, and I’ve dipped my toe in the GTA waters occasionally. It’s okay. I just can’t figure out why IV is being hailed as OMG THE GREATEST THING EVER. Most of the voice acting is pretty abysmal, and after watching my boyfriend play hours and hours I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s basically an interactive subpar mafia film. Which is fine, but I’m not wetting my pants over it. Yes, the ads are funny, and yes, the animation is very good. But perfect? Nah.