When You Were Young

Blog posts like this make me glad I didn’t keep a reliable diary back in the day. Not, at least, in the sense that I talked about my feelings a lot. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing embarrassing to be found in my old “Notebooks,” all of which were inspired by Amelia’s Notebook.

Sometimes I think that you're the only one who understands. If I tell Mom how I feel, she freaks out. A journal won't say anything. Christmas didn't seem "right" last year. It was dull. We didn't see the living nativity, we didn't bake, we didn't go to parties, we didn't see 1 amazing nite, or ANYTHING! I didn't get many presents, just about no toys.

...

News! Family meeting went Okay. I can't get pierced ears, but I can build a website!

I built a webpage called Galadriel's World of Beanies, but all it is right now is a banner advertising my sponser, expage. I'll have to figure out how to add to it.

At least it wasn't Geocities.

Mom is mad. I can't figure out why. Maybe because I told her stop it when she kept grabbing my hand when I was trying to send an e-mail to Dad when she told me to.

As I recall, I was trying to sneakily check my e-mail at the same time BECAUSE SHE WOULD NEVER LET ME GET ON THE GODDAMN INTERNET.

I want to turn 12 already! Being 11 is the pits. You know you're old enough to do something, but your parents treat you like a 3-year-old!

Surely, being 12 will change everything.

These moody fits - are the just adolescence, or are they signs of an artistic spirit? I wish I knew.

It would be several years before I learned that "artistic spirit" was a euphemism for "Borderline Personality Disorder."

On a more holiday-themed note, I'm amazed that this branch has survived for eleven years. (click for big)

Gender Equality Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry

“Feminism” has got to be one of the most misused words in the English language. Definition: “belief in the political, social, and economic equality of women.” It’s hard to argue with that. Of course “equality” becomes problematic when you are dealing with two groups of people who are different; men and women sometimes have different needs and desires. But when it comes to things like career availability and salary and being able to leave the house without wearing a veil, we all want the same thing.

But we don’t all always want the same thing for each other. And that’s the root of the problem: when one person thinks s/he knows what another person needs or wants, better than that person does. In some cases, of course, this is entirely possible. But I don’t particularly like the idea of a guy in the deep South with an “ARYAN POWER” tattoo on his forehead decided whether or not I should have access to contraception.

But there is another threat to true feminism, and it’s in a place you might not expect. Radical feminism.

A house divided against itself cannot stand, and boy, are feminists divided. Just like any group that is entirely self-identified, it’s hard to figure out exactly what the tenets are – but one particularly prominent voice of radical feminism on the internet is Livejournal user _allecto_, whose denouncement of Joss Whedon’s T.V. series “Firefly” has gained much attention. I won’t go into the minutiae of it, because that’s not important. What is important is this statement:

I support women but not their choices. Choice for women is not the same as self-determiniation. I support women to become self-centering and self-determinining. I do not support their patriarchally constricted 'choices'.

Oh, and by the way, rape isn’t rape either.

I believe in the radical feminist definition of rape. That is that men who pressure women into sex are rapists. That women who are pressured are not freely consenting and are therefore being raped. There have been a few discussions recently in the rad fem blogosphere debating whether all male initiated sex is rape, given that women are politically, socially and economically subordinate to men. So, in my understanding of Joss Whedon as a rapist is hinges on my definition of rape. I would argue that most 'sex' between men and women, in the contemporary 'sex-positive', pornographic, male-supremacist culture, is rape.

When a rape survivor stepped up in the comments and said:

However, I think you should know, as you seem to be so pro-women, that as a female rape victim (and hey, rape can happen to men too! it does!), the way you are throwing around the word 'rape' is something I find incredibly offensive. You (and the radical feminist blogosphere in general, though I know you're only one person and not representative of a whole) should really seriously reconsider the way you're using the word like it means nothing.

The response was:

This post was about Joss Whedon, Firefly and misogyny. Please address the topic. If you have a problem with the Radical Feminist view of rape then make a post on your own blog argueing against Andrea Dworkin, Catharine MacKinnon and Robin Morgan. This is a Radical Feminist space and as such I support the Radical Feminist definition of rape.

Well, I haven’t been violently raped, but I can sure as hell bet that it’s a lot more traumatic than being “raped” under _allecto_’s definition. Not that it matters; _allecto_ is one of those people who has ascribed herself so fiercely to a “GREATER GOOD” that the feelings of individuals no longer matter.

But basically, what all this boils down to is that radical feminists like _allecto_ want women to behave in a specific way: generally speaking, they should shun the patriarchy (which is almost every aspect of modern life, according to them) and be in a loving supportive relationship with another woman. Because otherwise they are gender traitors. (Judging someone for their “choices” while “supporting” them is one of those lame things that fundies say about homosexuals all the time. And it always rings hollow.)

And no, I have no idea how she expects the species to continue.

Things get a bit more muddled as one delves into some of her other writings. Though she clearly states:

Under patriarchy, rape and sex are not discrete either as concepts or as acts. Simply put, male dominance means that sex is some guy acting his sexual fantasy upon the prone body of a woman. That is exactly what fucking is. That is exactly what sex is. What I was trying to describe as sex is not sex simply because sex is male dominance is intercourse is rapist.

Yet:

…nor am I so cynical to believe that no men are capable of interacting with women as human beings. I have been objectified by women before and I have met men who are capable of respecting women as discrete, inviolable individuals. This doesn’t mean that fucking isn’t an act of male dominance it just means that lesbianism as an act of political resistance has been co-opted and controlled by the ‘queer’ malestream and that men are not biologically programmed for rape and conquest, they just use that as an excuse.

So you can have sex with a man as long as you’re not having sex. Is radical feminism, after all, just holding a state of mind? It’s now beginning to sound uncomfortably like neo-Christianity, the kind where all you have to do is keep Jesus in your heart and pray without ceasing and as long as you’re sorry it will all work out ok. Which is fine in your personal life, but if you’re going to run around espousing a socio-political viewpoint that wants to change the status quo, or patriarchy, or whatever, then it doesn’t make sense.

I am all for feminism. I am all for teaching little boys that little girls are different, but at the same time, people just like you. And eventually, the world will be run by men and women who understand and respect each other.

And I don’t want anyone telling me what I can and cannot do as a woman. I don’t want men telling me, and I don’t want other women telling me. In my life I have never felt limited by the gender I was born with, and I am truly disgusted at the idea of being judged for my choices, whether those choices are to lose weight, shave my legs, sleep with a man, or watch Firefly.

(Speaking of weight loss, I meant to integrate some discussion of Ariel Stalling’s blog post “Fat is a feminist issue” but I got too carried away. Anyway, suffice it to say, it’s just another case of feminism limiting women instead of empowering them. Her post was dissected by radical feminists elsewhere on the internet, coming to the basic conclusion that all her motives were wrong and she was a terrible person for wanting to look good.)

It is autumn and that means PUMPKIN PIE FOR DINNER!

I am an idiot and I still successfully made REAL pumpkin pie, so I know you can do it too. We're in November, so it's high time to hone your skills and impress your family and friends.

Using Real Pumpkin

No, it's not necessary. Yes, many people will claim that it doesn't make a difference. However, I'm a firm believer in the principle of doing everything completely from scratch, at least once. If nothing else, you get the satisfaction of turning a big, hard squash into a delicious pie. If you're determined to use canned pumpkin, skip this bit. (No pictures for this bit, I've already done all my steaming and pureeing for this year.)

1. Buy a Pie Pumpkin

You can use a "regular" jack-o-lantern style pumpkin, but they're usually more watery and less sweet; I'll mention any necessary adjustments later in the recipe. You can also use butternut squash. I've heard that "canned pumpkin" is actually made from a variety of butternut, but I have no idea if it's true. In any case, butternut flesh is much more orange and might give you a more "pumpkin pie" color.

At the store, pie pumpkins are the smallish ones that are labeled "pie pumpkins." Durhey. If you pick a big one, 8+ inches in diameter, it will yield enough pumpkin for at least two pies. A more average one, 4-6 inches, will likely yield just enough for one (or one plus a mini-pie).

2. Cook Your Pumpkin

Steaming is the fastest way to cook it, so I'll stick with that for now. You can also bake it, but it takes ages. (The same principles apply to butternut squash unless I say otherwise.) Pumpkins have a very hard skin, so it might take a while to saw through it with a normal bread knife. I was able to pry mine apart eventually, but if you have a clean hand saw lying around, you might be better off with that. Take my advice and don't try to cut through the stem parts. It's just way too tough in there.

Once your pumpkin is halved, remove the stem (if it has one) and scoop out the goopy bits. You can save the seeds for roasting or just throw them out, see if I care. An ice cream scoop works particularly well for this. Once your pumpkin is clean, it's time to get steaming!

Microwave steaming is the fastest, but if you don't have a microwave-safe dish big enough to hold all your pumpkin, you can do it on the stovetop just as easily. Just plonk it in a steaming basket and let it go until the flesh is tender. It shouldn't take longer than 30 minutes. Alternately, put it in the microwave with some water and let it go for fifteen minutes, check for doneness, et cetera.

Once it's tender, the flesh should scoop out of the skin pretty easily. So disembowel the pumpkin into a bowl. The flesh should NOT be watery; if you used a regular pumpkin or if you ended up with a really watery pie pumpkin for some reason, just let the flesh sit for a while (30 minutes or so) then pour off any free-standing water. If it remains wet after that, try squeezing it in some cheesecloth or letting it sit in a strainer in a bowl in the fridge overnight. You don't want to end up with a watery pie.

3. Puree Your Pumpkin

The flesh will probably be too dry to put in a blender for now; a handheld blender like this works best:

You will have to mash it and work it around, but eventually you'll get it all smooth. There are a lot of other ways to accomplish this; a food mill, a food processor, or even a hand mixer can work with some patience. However, if you have absolutely no tools at your disposal except for a blender, you can wait until mixing the filling together and use a blender.

You can freeze your pumpkin puree for later use, or pop it in the fridge for a few days.

DO NOT CAN PUREED PUMPKIN IT MIGHT KILL YOU

Well, now you are all ready to mix up your pumpkin pie filling. Time to go buy a frozen pie crust from the store, right?

WRONG.

Making Your Crust

Most of cooking is more of an art than a science, but baking is something else entirely - and pie crusts are one of the most intimidating baking tasks out there. No one wants to accidentally make - gasp - a tough crust. There are all sorts of tricks and tips and recommendations, but I have discovered that making a good, flaky pie crust really ain't that tough. You just need to follow one simple principle.

IT HAS TO BE COLD.

Really, that's it. A flaky crust is achieved by layers of fat melting slowly, for which they need to be cold. As long as you use cold water and cold shortening, your crust will turn out just fine.

Here is what you need:

1.5 cups flour
1/3 cup CHILLED water (at least 8 hours in the fridge)
3/4 cup CHILLED Crisco (blah blah blah)

Any kind of all-purpose flour will work, although I don't recommend using 100% whole wheat since it tends to fuck up most baking tasks. I used a cup of white and half a cup of whole wheat, and the crust turned out delicious. You can also use pastry flour, but it's not necessary. I don't recommend bread flour, as gluten is the enemy of a flaky crust. (Also, you can use butter instead of Crisco. Cold butter is impossible to work with, though, so some people recommend grating it beforehand. I've never used butter in crust, but I'm sure you can figure it out for yourself.)

Now do this:

1. Mix up the flour and Crisco using two forks (or one of those pastry masher things if you're fancy). The idea is not to mash them together, but to just push the ingredients around, lightly, until they have formed sticky bits of pseudo-dough. Then add the water, until the dough sticks together (but don't make it too wet!). You should be able to work with the dough without it completely flaking apart, but that's it.

2. Flour your rolling space and plonk the dough onto it. I have it on good authority that it's best to roll between two pieces of wax paper or in a pastry bag, but I never remember to buy either of those things, so I've found it works just fine to flour your counter, flour the top of the dough, and roll it out. Re-flour the dough as necessary to keep the rolling pin from sticking. (Protip: Any long glass or bottle can work as a rolling pin in a pinch.) Roll it out to about 1/8 inch.

DO NOT OVERWORK YOUR DOUGH! Working it produces gluten blah blah blah flaky crust. Just roll it out and lay it in your pie pan gently, sticking together and repairing any tears. This is also the time to clean up your edges and flute the crust, which is not as hard as it looks. Just stick a finger inbetween the edge of the dough and the pie plate; mash the dough around your finger and then remove it (your finger, not the dough). And voila!

Pop the pie crust into the freezer to keep it cold. This is important, remember, cold crust = flaky crust. Go ahead and PREHEAT YOUR OVEN for 450.

Making Your Filling

This basic recipe will probably have to be altered if you're using canned pumpkin, so refer to the directions on the can. Why are you even reading this? You disgust me!

Anyway.

You will need:

1 - 1 1/2 cups pumpkin puree
1/2 can skim evaporated milk
1 cup sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground cloves
1/2 tsp allspice
1/4 tsp ginger
2 eggs (can substitute for 4 egg whites for cholesterol free!)

Mix it up! Use a mixer, hand blender, or actual blender. If you crave a really smooth pie, go ahead and blend the ingredients thoroughly. If you don't mind a few stray pumpkin fibers, just mix it. But make sure to mix it THOROUGHLY, as some of the spices you've used are heavier than others and can sink to the bottom of the pie.

In place of the spices, I use 3 tsp of pumpkin pie spice I bought at the farmer's market. You can use grocery store mix if you like. Every recipe differs slightly in what spices they call for, so if you feel more comfortable just using a spice mix, I won't tell.

DON'T DESPAIR that your mix is very runny. It will firm up in the oven, I promise!

This should yield plenty of filling for most pie dishes. However, if you have a particularly large or deep dish, you can add more of everything - another cup of pumpkin, another egg, more spices, more sugar, and more evaporated milk. The spices and sugar can be done pretty much to taste, so check on your filling every time you add something. Once it's perfect, go ahead and pour it into your crust!

Bake It

Pour the filling into the crust. If you have extra, you can make a tiny pie with extra crust or just bake it as a pumpkin pudding. I've been told by veteran bakers that sticking the pie back in the freezer for 20 minutes or so will help the filling set. This is a pretty good idea, especially with pumpkin pie, since the heavier spices have a habit of sinking to the bottom.

Once it's ready, pop it into the oven for 15 minutes. After that, turn the temperature down to 375 and bake for another 40 minutes. Test the pie with a table knife; if it comes out clean, your pie is done! You can also try flaking off a bit of the crust to see if it turned out nice and tender like I promised. You might have to give the pie a little longer, especially if it's very deep. At this point, however, I'd cover up the edges of the crust with tinfoil to avoid them burning.

And that's it. Your very own pumpkin pie. You're welcome.

Hey, Prop 8!

This is what I think of you.

(Show your support for gay marriage with this simple gesture.)

Healthy Relationship Classes

Just like everyone else, we have a few odd neighbors. I’d like to think that mine are special, but I know they’re really not. Even so, I still enjoy telling their stories and reminiscing about some of the good times and bad.

Fighting Neighbors

Everybody fights once in a while. If you’re our downstairs neighbors, who own two uncontrollable dogs and seem to hate each other, then fights are a bi-weekly occurrence. Sometime between 7:30 and 8:30 am on a random weekday, our downstairs neighbors will stand by an open window and scream at each other. The words often can’t be distinguished, but the sentiment is unmistakable.

(I had a dog-related run-in with the fighting neighbors after they’d first moved in. I was heading home from walking Coco, but when I saw that we were all approaching the same door, I backed away from the path – a good ten feet away. Coco was intense, but calm.

Not to be deterred, the two dogs – a German shepherd a black lab – dragged their owner off the path and towards Coco. It wasn’t 100% clear whether the man intended to let them meet, or was simply being dragged by two dogs whose combined weight was at least 20 pounds heavier than he was. Before I could figure out what to do, the shepherd lunged at Coco and bit her on the face.

During this entire display, the female half of the fighting couple just stood behind them with her arms folded. Thanks.

Anyway.)

The fighting couple isn’t the first fighting couple we’ve seen and heard. Last winter, a fleeing man was pursued into the snow in our front courtyard by a hysterical woman, dressed in Goth/Wiccan chic with bare feet, who then threw a Cup Noodle at him. I have no idea.

By far my favorite saga involved a possibly bisexual woman who was being encouraged to leave her current partner (a man) with another woman, who may have been a friend, parent, or potential lover. Loudly encouraged. Very loudly. In the courtyard, when everyone’s windows were open because it was the middle of the summer.

I should mention that both of them sounded like they had been chain-smoking crack and shooting heroin for hours in preparation for the performance.

“JUST TELL ME THIS. WHAT CAN HE GIVE YOU THAT I CAN’T GIVE YOU?”

“I DON’T KNOOOOOW.”

“JUST LEAVE WITH ME RIGHT NOW.”

“I CAN’T, I CAN’T!” *sobbing*

“JUST DO IT! YOU DON’T NEED HIM! YOU DON’T OWE HIM ANYTHING!”

Lather, rinse, repeat.

There is a local organization called “P.E.A.C.E. Inc.” that advertises “healthy relationship classes.” They sent us a pamphlet the other day. If I had any balls, I’d go tape it on the fighting couple’s door.

Which brings me to…

Note-Leaving Neighbors

In a shared living space, notes are inevitable. Sometimes people need to communicate important sentiments to each other, and they don’t always know of any way to get those sentiments out in the open except NOTE-LEAVING.

Which has led to some fun times in our building, let me tell you.

The fighting neighbors, as I’ve mentioned, have two uncontrollable dogs. One night I returned from walking Coco to find a note on the fighting neighbors’ door. It read:

Your dog has been barking nonstop all night. As you can imagine, this is very annoying for those of us who live here. Please address this problem as soon as possible.

Your Neighbor

The note had disappeared within a few hours, only to be replaced the next day with another note, expressing the same issues (but in different handwriting). Finally, the fighting neighbors struck back with a long missive that I will paraphrase here.

We would like to apologize for any inconvenienced caused by our dog barking. He is a new arrival and we are in the process of crate training, which, as any dog owners will attest, is very difficult. A bark collar, as inhumane as they are, has been purchased. Please be patient with us during the training process. If you have any further concerns, please contact me at (blah blah blah).

But none of this was nearly as entertaining as the McDonald’s bag.

At one point, someone left a McDonald’s bag full of McDonald’s trash in the hallway. I’m not sure why. But I didn’t get whipped up into the same apoplectic rage as the neighbor who took the trouble to write a note and tape it to the bag:

Trash goes in the basement, NOT in the HALLWAY!

A response was scrawled the next day:

SUCK MY DICK.

Someone threw the bag away.

Healthy and Cheap: Crock Pot Chili!

It can be pretty hard to devise recipes that are high-protein, low-calorie, heart-healthy, and inexpensive. Believe me, I know. But I think this crock pot chili fits the bill.

I have a natural aversion to following recipes literally. Usually, when I read over one, there’s something that doesn’t sit right with me, and so I search other recipes to see what I can find. I cobble something together that sounds good, and usually, it works out just fine.

I’m particularly happy with a crock pot chili recipe that I’ve devised. I used a few different recipes to come up with it, and it’s very quick and easy. It also has the advantage of being a recipe that you can leave for a few extra hours if you can’t get home on time; it’s hard to overcook chili.

This batch makes enough to serve 4 or 5 people, and leftovers can be used to make delicious chili cheese fries. (Just slice up some potatoes, sprinkle with olive oil, garlic powder, onion powder, and salt, bake on a cookie sheet greased with olive oil, flip after 5-7 minutes and bake until both sides are browned. Top with chili and some grated cheese, bake for a few more minutes. Presto!)

Crock Pot Chili

You will need:

1lb ground beef. Less or more is fine, but if you have a small crock pot you’re limited on the amount you can mix in. Feel free to skimp on this; it’s the most expensive ingredient, and you don’t need it.

2 cans beans. Kidney beans, pinto beans, pretty much any kind of bean you’ve ever seen in a chili is fine. Dried beans might work if they are pre-cooked, but I haven’t tried this yet.

1 8oz can tomato sauce.

1 28 oz can stewed tomatoes.

1 green pepper, chopped.

1/2-3/4 large sweet-ish onion, chopped. I recommend against using strong onions in crock pot recipes, as they tend to impart an unpleasantly onion-y flavor into everything.

3 TB chili powder.

1 tsp salt.

1 tsp cayenne pepper. Omit this if you like your chili without any spice, but this is just the right amount for those of us who like it zesty but not spicy enough to burn the tongue.

1 tsp cumin.

2 cloves garlic, minced or crushed.

Now:

Brown the meat in a saucepan; drain. Mix all ingredients in crock pot, then set it to low and let it cook for 8-10 hours.

Now enjoy this high-protein, high-fiber, filling and delicious dinner/lunch/snack.

I Wanna Do Bad Things With You

Oh, dear blog, sweet blog. It’s been too long. See, as of now, you’re just a side-project, and I have a real job that demands a lot of attention. Right now, in fact, I shouldn’t be doing this. I should be wrastlin’ up some stories of wacky celebrities for my actual writing job. But I’d rather be here.

I think I got discouraged with this whole venture when I realized that my readership spike, courtesy the Postsecret blogroll, was not going to last. It's always discouraging when you realize that something is going to be an ongoing battle, rather than a one-time deal. Like washing dishes, or cleaning the bathroom, or doing laundry. Or blogging.

It seems like I don't have time to promote this blog, write decent stuff for this blog, AND do my actual job. But dammit, I'm going to try.

Someday I hope this blog will be my job. Thousands of people live this dream, and thousands more are attempting to live it, as evidenced by the number of bloggers constantly bitching about their overstretched budget.

But I've already broken a lot of cardinal rules of Making Money While Blogging, one of which is to "have a theme." I don't have much of a theme. Invariably, anyone who reads my blog is going to have to scroll past a bunch of shit that doesn't interest them if they want to read the stuff that does.

So, basically, what I'm saying is, I'm going to get this blog back on track. I promise.